Dear readers,
How’s September treating you so far? Good? Here, September is feeling like a long slowwwww slide out of summer into fall and I am really loving it.
So, at some point in summer 2021, just after coming out as queer, I started writing letters to “my future wife”. Some of this was spurred by coming out, and the freedom (and strangeness) of completely reimagining my future on a blank canvas. Some of it was spurred by a psychic friend who began telling me around this time that he could see the person I was meant to be with. Honestly, I had some pretty big doubts about this person ever showing up in my life, but I took the advice of the many wise folks out there and started writing ‘as if’…
True to my (artistic, manifesting-generator) nature, I only wrote (and illustrated) five of these letters (on black paper, in pastel gel pen, I’ll have you know) before I abandoned the project and moved on to other things. But something called me back to them yesterday. Reading these letters, I feel such tenderness for that younger version of me who was broken open and holding onto hope so fiercely. I thought I would try writing back to her, from where I am now (obnoxiously in love and surrendering to the unfolding of it daily).
With love,
Sara
Letter #1
Dear Future Wife,
I can’t wait to meet you. I’ve been told that you feel like sunshine, like a field of flowers. I imagine daffodils. A field full. Bright and sunny and smiling. And I imagine your smile. Dazzling. I’m told we will meet by the Erie canal. Will you wait for me there? I will welcome you with open arms and an open heart.
Yours,
Sar
Dear Sar,
Would be believe me if I told you it will be exactly the way you’ve been told. Except it will be sunflowers, not daffodils. Sunflowers, everywhere. It will take some time to truly notice it, the magic that surrounds you and her, but once you do, you won’t be able to look away. Can you believe it? Let me whisper this in your ear. You will have everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more. Just keep opening yourself up to this possibility. Oh, and try to enjoy the path on the way. You have plenty of time.
Love,
Your future self
Letter #2
Dear Future Wife,
Good morning! I wonder what you’re doing right now. How do you spend your mornings? I like my mornings lazy & slow. One of my biggest guilty pleasures is the feeling of sleeping in late, feeling the deliciousness of my body sinking into the mattress and that feeling of ease between sleep and waking. Not having to be anywhere. Just watching my thoughts go by. I wonder what it will be like to share my mornings with you. I imagine the sweetness of touching you, of opening my eyes to discover you’re still there and the wonder of that after so many mornings alone. Sounds dreamy.
Love,
Sar
Dear sweet past self,
I love that this is what you wanted to share. This particular moment. This vulnerable moment. This sensual and aching moment. Allow yourself these pleasures, love, these dreams. They will keep you going.
Love,
Future you
(Typed from our bed. Late mornings are still the best.)
Letter #3
Dear Future Wife,
My heart hurts tonight. It’s odd. You open up your heart to someone and then they leave and move out and you’re left with all this empty space thinking ‘what do I do with this now?’ I know you’re out there somewhere, but it feels hard to have faith. I have spent so long feeling alone. Is this all familiar to you? Have you felt this way, too? I wonder how you’ll find me, what state I’ll be in. I’m trying to stay open, to soften into these feelings and accept them. To clear a path. I can’t wait to meet you. I’ve been waiting a long time.
Love,
Sar
Dear tender-hearted self,
I remember you. I remember what this felt like. How it felt like falling apart, gracefully, piece by piece. The relief and the pain, mixing. That familiar feeling of ‘was it me?’ and ‘what did I do wrong?’ and a big longgggg exhale into ‘here we are again.’ I love your precious heart. I love that you risked it over and over again, each time opening a little wider, showing up a little truer, sharing a little more of you. It takes time to soften all the way, to be able to hold yourself in all of your tenderness, in all of your preciousness. To be able to hold yourself the way you want to be held, and then to allow someone else to hold you, too. It takes time to allow this. Love is tender all the way down, I’ve learned. Have faith, even though it feels impossible right now. You will arrive here and it will all make sense. All of the hoping, all of the false starts, all of the tears, all of the fears, all of the dreaming. It will all make sense and it will surprise you every day.
Love,
You
Letter #4
Dear FW,
What will you do with this big ol’ heart of mine??? I have so much love to give. Sometimes too much, maybe. Will you see that for the gift it is? For the power source it is? Will you embrace it wholly? I’m afraid of this power. It’s hard for the world to accept and embrace. It’s unwieldy. It doesn’t work by rational, reasonable logic. Sometimes I care too much. I hope you will find that beautiful about me.
-S
Sweetheart,
That heart?! Let me tell you a secret…it just keeps getting bigger. Can you believe it? Or maybe not bigger, exactly, but roomier, more flexible, more spacious. And guess what? Her heart? It will be even bigger than yours. Twice the size. Three times. More. She will teach you about rooms you’ve never opened and hallways you thought were blocked completely. She will teach you the secrets of expanding and expanding, until you can fit whole oceans, whole countries, whole planets. You will be amazed at how easy it is for her to make room for you, alongside all of the other precious beings she carries with her. It will be an endless source of wonder for you. Truly. Get ready. It’s going to blow your mind.
Yours,
Sar, version 38.1
Letter #5
FW,
I have a really deeply spiritual side. It’s taken me a long time to recognize and come to terms with this part of me. I grew up in a house where I believed logic and reason and science were king. I believed that’s how I had to be to be powerful. And I tried for a long time to be that way, but there has always been a deeper part of me that believed in magic and spirit and the unexplainable. And this part of me is just remembering and coming awake. I’ve always been told/thought I was an old soul. I’m starting to know what that means. Most days I have trouble trusting it – all the wisdom I have.
<3 Sara (“we are made of stardust”)
Dear Sara,
Oooooooooh. We are made of stardust, indeed! Babe, you don’t even KNOW. I cannot WAIT for you to experience what’s in store for you. That path you just realized you’re on? It gets SO much richer and deeper and weirder from here. And love, that path will lead you straight to this love. You may not see it now, but by the time you get around to truly embracing this indelible piece of you, you will find that so much unexpected sweetness opens up to you. Thank you for recognizing this path, dear one. Thank you for stepping onto it. In the end, you will see that it’s all one path – the path to spirit, the path to love, the path to yourself – Keep trusting. I will meet you there.
Love,
Sara