Screaming into the void
Hold, please! Your screams are important to us...
This post started as a joke. These days, I’ve been feeling very much like if I don’t laugh at the utter ridiculousness of everything, I will cry and not stop crying til my eyeballs fall out. Please enjoy this absurd little piece and the weird art it inspired.
Much love to you all,
Sara
(the sounds of 1999 dial-up internet play sweetly)
You have reached The Void™.
We appreciate your call. You are caller #23654869542. A customer representative will be with you in approximately eight-thousand-three-hundred-and-forty-seven minutes.
While you wait, would you like to listen to a) soothing elevator jazz that never changes key, b) extremely heavy metal music, c) hyenas laughing uncontrollably, d) PDQ Bach’s undiscovered cantata, or e) your mother’s latest guilt trip?
Your screams are very important to us. Please continue to hold.
If you cannot continue to hold, please let us know which circle of hell you are in and you will be paged when your customer representative reaches enlightenment.
We’re sorry, we are experiencing an unusually high number of calls right now. Your wait time may be centuries longer than expected.
If you would like to speak to the Department of Lost Socks, please press 7625. For the office of Exes Who Sometimes Still Text You, please press 6673. To speak with your old elementary school teacher, please say “RECESS”. To read all of the novels you have written in alternate timelines, please hang up and call The Library of Impossibilities. To leave a message for your politician of choice, please turn around and put your head straight into the nearest trash can.
For all other inquiries, please stay on the line. Someone will be with you…eventually.